I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
