i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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