and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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