You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
