Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
