textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
