Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
