Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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