As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
