I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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