I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My ass is underappreciated
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
