i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dear god my vagina.
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