I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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