By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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