girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
