The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
