The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
