Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
