dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
