i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
