Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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