Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
