Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
