i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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