so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
