dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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