His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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