When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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