I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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