i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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