No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
