i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize