At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
