I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
