Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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