I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
