Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
