I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Of course I have a pirate flag
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
