So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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