I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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