i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
