Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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