Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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