this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
