Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
