Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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