so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
