if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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