I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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