my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
